This Memorial Day weekend, my son, a combat veteran of both Iraq and Afghanistan, will be in Ohio, with friends he hasn’t seen since he left Iraq in 2009. They were all members of the 732^nd Expeditionary Security Forces Squadron, one of the most highly decorated  and respected squadrons in the United States Air Force, these soldiers volunteered to work side by side with the Army providing security in the most dangerous areas in Iraq.  My son’s unit only lost one member in Iraq, 1^st Lt. Joseph Helton. Everyone else made it home safely.

This weekend, they will be in Ohio to bury one of the soldiers who had made it home, Daniel Braun. Last week Daniel lost his battle with PTSD. He was 27. I don’t know Daniel, or his family but I know his story because it is the story that my family has lived since my son returned home from one battle, only to fight battles none of us expected. Today he fights the battle to reclaim his life, and his health, and to receive the help promised him by the very organization he voluntarily dedicated his life to.

As I wrote last November, for Veteran’s Day, this is the type of holiday that many Americans don’t give a lot of thought to. You might go to a parade, or maybe have a cook out on your extra day off, but the meaning of the day goes unnoticed by many, unless of course you served in the military, lost someone to war, or are part of a military family. This year, I’d like to challenge you to take a moment and really reflect what this day means, not only to those affected deeply by military service, but to all of us, as humans and as Americans. Let’s look at what we know now. Let’s look at what we’ve learned.

We know there were no weapons of mass destruction, none. We also know that Halliburton made over $39.5 billion on military contracts in the last decade. Let us not forget these things when faced with our next decision to enter a war.

We know that as of this month, close to 6,500 soldiers have died in the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, according to the Department of Defense. These were men and women with bright futures, the best of the best, dedicated, intelligent and motivated. They have been lost to their families, and lost to this country, forever.

It is now estimated that the cost of these wars could hit $6 trillion. We know that roughly 50% of returning soldiers have been treated by the VA and qualify for disability payments, for the rest of their lives, ensuring that the total cost of the war including their disability payments, medical expenses and loss to the workforce of this country, will continue to affect our economy well into the next generation.

We know that thousands of Iraqi citizens have been displaced by war and that their homes, their educations, their economic futures will remain uncertain for years to come. While solid numbers are hard to come by and vary by source, we know for certain that tens of thousands of Iraq and Afghanistan civilians have died in the conflict, many caught in a war zone, and many women and children falling victim to car bombs and suicide bombs, specifically targeted by their own people as a regular tactic of war.

We know our soldiers are fighting both mental and physical health problems since returning and we know that the system that is supposed to be taking care of them is broken, very, very broken. We know that soldiers are fighting for their benefits, for their healthcare. We know that they are often denied, turned away, or lost in piles of paperwork.

We know that our sons and daughters and partners and parents who survived this war, who came home to us, are now killing themselves at a rate faster than they died in the actual war. We know that 22 veterans a day are choosing, after having survived war, to take their own lives, leaving behind the families they spent their deployments longing to come home to. We know that many others are dying as the result of alcohol, drugs and car accidents.

I can keep citing examples and quoting numbers to you but you know. We all know. They are unemployed, or under-employed, or unable to keep a job once they find one. They are abusing substances. Men and women who had no criminal records prior to exemplary military service are finding themselves in trouble with the law. They are homeless. They are suffering. We know for certain that they are suffering and because of that suffering they are choosing to take their own lives, over and over again, every single day!

Every single one of those men and women needs to be remembered this Memorial Day. While they did not die in a war zone, each one of them gave their lives for this country, for a cause they believed in. Each one of them is a casualty of war.

I’d like you to remember this weekend that whether you agree or disagree with the service our soldiers performed, each one of them believed deeply in their duty to do their part. They believed so strongly in this country, in our freedoms and in the ability of our government to bring those freedoms to others around the world that they signed away their very lives. Above all else, whatever your political beliefs, this type of dedication and commitment at one’s own personal expense needs to be respected.

This Memorial Day I’d like you to remember not only the soldiers who died in war, but those who have died since returning home. I’d like you to remember these things when you talk to your representatives. I’d like you to remember these things when you are in a voting booth. I’d like you to remember them when you are given the opportunity to hire a veteran, to provide services to them or to donate to veteran’s causes.

I’d like you to remember what another young friend of mine who is also a combat vet said on his Facebook page this week, because its so important. He said “Yesterday a close friend lost one of his brothers to the downward spiral that is PTSD. Chances are you know someone who’s a veteran, someone who may be experiencing the same difficulties. Don’t thank them for their service or try to shake their hand just be their friend and remind them that there is some good in this world so they will stay in it.”

I’d like you to remember Sgt. Daniel Braun and his family this weekend.

If you are a veteran struggling right now, I’d like you remember that there are those of us who do care, that there really is good in the world, and if you hang on long enough, you’ll find it. Please don’t give up yet, we aren’t giving up on you.

If you are a veteran in crisis, or the family member of a veteran in crisis, please call the Veteran’s Crisis Line 1-800-273-8255.

The best thing about my birthday, the very best of gifts yesterday, were the words those I care about shared with me! Whether it was cards, or Facebook posts, or time spent on the phone talking, or the little book from someone special filled with positive quotes that he said reminded him of me, the words were the best part! The words weren’t the best part because they were filled with hollow compliments but because they were heartfelt messages from reflective and thoughtful friends who again made me realize what amazing people I have in my life. And isn’t it nice to hear what other people think of you once in a while, not because I want or need praise, but because I am on this constant quest to be a better person, and it’s nice to know if I’ve made any progress lately.

The best words I heard were “truth-teller” and “a genuine woman who has learned herself and owns it!” I can’t think of any higher compliments I would rather get. If nothing else, no matter how many things I screw up in this life, I will always be honest, with you and with me! We can’t grow if we can’t admit the areas we need to grow in! That won’t always make me popular either, because not everyone appreciates the truth, but it’s completely worth it!

Another thing someone said recently to a mutual friend that really struck me was “I wish I could have a positive attitude all the time like Karen Foley!” This made me laugh! Not because it’s not true, I do my best to always have a positive attitude, but because this friend seems to think it comes easy, or naturally.

So guess what, and I’m going to be completely honest with you. Having a positive attitude all the time is freaking hard work! Seriously, really, really had work! I do not wake up every morning and jump out of bed with a bright and sunny attitude! In fact, some days it’s quite the opposite but sometime between the long hot shower and the black coffee, I DECIDE to have a positive attitude about the day behind me and about the day in front of me.

Studies say that middle-aged women are at a higher than average risk for depression. No shit! I can certainly verify that fact! It can be a rough time, especially if life didn’t turn out exactly as you’d planned but then again, whose life has? It is certainly a time when you realize that some of the dreams you had when you were younger are no longer a possibility. It’s also a time that you look in the mirror at your changing face and wonder where those little lines came from and when the hell did you start looking like your own mother. However, middle-age can also be a time to reinvent yourself, to make some new plans and dream some new dreams. It’s also a time to make peace with your body, and realize being beautiful and sexy has very little to do with a perfectly chiseled body and much more to do with your attitude and your passion about life!

I have a positive attitude because I’ve decided I’m going to have a positive attitude. And when I don’t have a positive attitude on the inside, I’ve decided to have one on the outside not because I want to be fake, but because I truly want to spread positive vibes to everyone I encounter all day rather than the negative ones I might be fighting off.

It’s this simple, you get what you give. So when I throw that positive stuff out there, it’s not too long before I get a whole lot of positive back and then I’m feeling that goodness both on the inside and the outside! You ever notice how that works? The same can be said for negative attitudes, if you surround yourself with bitchy, negative people, eventually, that’s how you start to feel also! So choose wisely who you share your precious time with!

Also, choose wisely what you spend your precious time on. There is a lot of negative news in the world and we saturate our lives with it. Unlike when we were younger when access to the news from around the world was confined to an hour around dinnertime, nowadays we are plugged into it 24/7. We are bombarded with information and “entertainment” and unfortunately a good portion of it is sad, infuriating, or just plain stupid. It’s not healthy. You can’t take in anger and sadness all day long and not expect it to have an effect on you, on how you feel.  Just like your body functions better on healthy food and exercise, so does your soul. If you feed it negativity and junk day and night, you get a soul full of negativity and junk!!! And just like eating too many greasy french fries and onion rings, you end up feeling pretty sluggish! So take in just what you need to be informed and involved and then turn it off and do something else with your time that feeds your soul!

Being positive also involves stopping and thinking sometimes before you speak or react to a situation. If you know me at all, you know that is not always my strength. I’ve had to work hard on it. Why do I feel negatively about this or that situation? Is it because I’m really hurt or am I just stressed, tired, hungry or hormonal? What is my motivation with the response I’m about to deliver? Usually, if my first reaction is negative, and I think about it a little while, I realize it’s not really negative at all and because I didn’t lash out right away, I’ve saved someone else from being the victim of my bad mood. Again, you get back what you put out there.

So at 48 I don’t need to be young, or have flawless skin, or a perfectly toned, thin body. I don’t need to be rich, or have a lavish home. I don’t need to be popular. What I need is truth, from myself and from those around me. What I need is positive energy, joy, and peace. What I want is laughter, lots of it! These are my goals. While none of it comes easily all the time, while it can all be so much work, I wouldn’t have it any other way!

“And in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love you make.” Paul McCartney

The word mother, for me, conjures up images of a June Cleaver type woman, clad in pearls and heels, meeting her tired family at the door at the end of hard day with a plate of warm fresh baked cookies. Yet, how many of us have ever met such a creature? In spite of that, how many of us believed at one point that this image was something we should aspire to, and in fact, felt bad about ourselves when we did not?

In 2013 the family looks considerably different than it did in the 1950s and 60s TV Series. Whether there ever really were a majority of families who fit this model is a sociological argument for another day. In reality, the 1950s and 60s moms who had the luxury of not having to work outside the home were most likely socially, emotionally and intellectually unsatisfied, secretly envying their husbands for being able to leave the house every day and pursue interests that did not involve household appliances.

This was the image that I had in mind when I first became a mother, almost 28 years ago. Or maybe it was more like Carol Brady from The Brady Bunch of the 1970s. Either way, motherhood appeared effortless and always lots of fun. Every problem could be solved in a half an hour, including time for commercial breaks. The house was always spotless, the children well behaved. Then, I didn’t really have a lot of real life experience to go by. I was an only child, raised by a single divorced mother. I never had a chance to learn about sibling relationships first hand. It was just the two of us. . My mother had neither the desire nor the time to regularly bake anything. So, my dream was to create that giant perfect family. I accomplished this by having four children in eight years. If that wasn’t enough, I went on to mother several other children who came into my heart and into my home as well. Turns out none of it was anything like the Brady Bunch.

What motherhood is has absolutely nothing to do with fresh baked goods and spotless houses. In fact, it has nothing to do with the act of giving birth. It’s about everything you do every minute afterwards. There are many women out there who have given birth but never been a mother. There are many amazing mothers who did not give birth to the children in their care and in today’s world there are many men out there who, in the absence of a female in their family, have mothered their children in amazing ways!

The best bit of advice I ever got about motherhood came from my own mother who told me “you have one job as a parent, to teach your children to take care of themselves when you are no longer there. If you haven’t done that one thing, then you haven’t done your job.”  At the time, I was still wishing she had baked more cookies but as I grew as a mother, and as a woman,  I came to understand the incredible wisdom in this advice. You have one job, not to raise children, but to raise healthy independent adults.

Motherhood is a balancing act. You balance between giving as much of your heart as you can possibly spare, and keeping a little bit for yourself. It is a balance between caring for your children in a way that meets their needs while also teaching them the necessary skills to care for themselves. It is also about modeling for them someone who cares for the world as a whole as well. Motherhood is not about being a martyr. It is not about living up to some fictional standard of cooking and housekeeping. It is about teaching them what is really important; living a satisfying life, loving other people, and hopefully leaving this planet and the people on it a little better than you found it.

It is a balance between lovingly home cooked meals and ordering a pizza now and again so you have time to play in the park. I bet of all the times I worked to make a meal wholesome and healthy, one of the most memorable meals for my children would be the time my best friend and I let our total of seven children have ice cream sundaes for dinner. We had spent the entire day with them stranded in the house during an ice storm, a kitchen full of paper and crayons and yarn, doing hours worth of crafts. Maybe that meal was not as nutritious for their bodies as others but I hope it fed their souls.

So if the standard is being able to raise healthy independent adults, I would consider myself a success. I have raised an amazingly self-reliant, intelligent, successful group of twenty-somethings. However, what I am most proud of as a mother is not the fact that my adult children can take care of themselves but the fact that while they are doing so they also take care of other people. Whether they have served in the military, served in Americorps or served meals at the local shelter, they spend time serving. They spend time helping the world at large! They take care. They care of their friends and they care of their family. As a mom, nothing could make me more proud, not their diplomas and degrees, not even their fabulous cooking skills! While none of them has yet gone on to become a parent, they are all, without a doubt, fabulous at mothering!

This blog was originally posted on May 7, 2011.

Here’s the deal. We can’t have it all. I know, I’ve tried it, and so have most of you! No one can have it all! Something always has to give. Humans are only capable of so much work in one day and often we are just putting way too much pressure on ourselves. We can, however, have a good portion of it. If we have a supportive partner, we can have even more of it, but no, no one can have it all.

But ladies, men have known this all along. All of those professional men who bounced to the top of the corporate ladder, a good portion of those men sacrificed a personal life as well to get there. A large portion of them have spent their successful professional lives being disenfranchised from their own families, but feeling that as men, they had no other choice than to be the “bread winner.” This is just as much a result of an outdated patriarchal system as the struggles many of us are still face trying to climb that same ladder. Both need to be changed. This is also what really frustrates me about this conversation, that we are still segregating ourselves by gender at all, in the workplace, or anywhere!

Now before anyone accuses me of being anti-feminist, let me assure you that is not the case! My point is this. If we are going to talk gender equality than we have to talk about it for all genders! For every parent out there that wants more time to work on their career, there is another parent who wants more time to throw a ball with their kids. There’s also a child-free person who may like more time with a partner. However, you can’t know any of this by just looking at someone and judging them by their gender!

That young woman you may hesitate to hire because she is clearly pregnant, she may have a wonderful supportive partner at home, ready willing and able to take on the full child care responsibilities and a new child will actually have very little effect on her job performance. On the other hand, that single man you think may have all the time in the world to spend long hours in the office, could have an elderly father at home, for whom he is the primary caretaker. He, in the long run, may be less focused on his job than you would have ever guessed. BOTH deserve our support to be successful in the workplace.

Everyone benefits this way! Every family benefits this way, regardless of its make up; regardless of whether the family has one mom, or one dad, or two moms, or two dads, or one of each, or no children at all! Every family benefits when we support all workers equally.

Unless you have a job that specifically requires the use of a penis or vagina to complete a task, and there seems to be only one or two professions I can think of that would, than gender is completely irrelevant in the work place, completely!

And I don’t want to hear anyone say “well men are better at this type of job” or “women work this way!” We know better than that now! This is not 1979. Yes, we can say “some men” or “some women” work this way or that way, but we know this does not apply, ever, to all men or all women! So just stop it, right now!

So instead of focusing on one gender or another, lets start having the conversation about how humans might be able to “have it all,” or as close to it as we can get anyway.

Yes, believe me, I am well aware that women still experience inequalities in the work place. I am certainly aware that we still often make only 77 cents for every dollar our male colleagues make. What I’m saying is let’s bring women up to the level men are at, not just because they are women but because they are good workers. Then, lets also give men some of the privileges that we’ve given women in recent years without penalizing them either. Lets let single dads have more flextime and greater access to day care. Lets not just assume that people without kids don’t mind working on holidays because what else could they possibly have to do. Let’s treat everyone in the work place equally. Lets keep in mind that everyone, regardless of gender or family status, deserves to have a work environment that gives them time for creativity, and fulfillment and leisure.

I don’t want anyone to be discriminated against in the workplace because of their gender. I also don’t want anyone to have special privileges because of their gender! I don’t want gender to be factored into the equation at all! The conversation about work/life balance involves everyone! We have got to stop, once and for all, judging people professionally, by gender and family status, and instead judge them by the quality of their work and their commitment to their goals. No, we can’t have it all, but we should at least be able to have all we’ve earned, all of us!

As an American, as a mother, as someone from New England, I felt many personal connections to this tragedy but one in particular really stood out. I’m angry because I’ve spent four years trying to convince my son that for him the war is over, that’s he’s home now, the he can feel safe. I’m angry because for him this week, for several of his friends and for thousands of vets just like them suffering from PTSD, the war came home. How many of them, especially those in the Boston area, are back to square one now, trying to rebuild their lives, trying to believe they are safe, trying to live each day without overwhelming fear, anxiety and anger.

I’m angry because I’m tired of seeing the faces of dead American school children on the news, tired of it!!! And I’m angry because so many Americans are ignorant of the fact that dead children, casualties of violence and war, happen every single day in other places, places we’ve sent our grown sons and daughters and then expect them to come home and pretend that none of it ever happened.

I’m angry that as the mother of a combat vet I even have a perspective on this that other people don’t always understand. I’m angry that the scenes of people’s legs blown off were not something new for my son, for my child. I’m angry that I should have to carry around the stories my son has shared with me in my own head and that because of that when I see faces of children blown up by bombs I am no longer shocked. I’m angry that I’ve already heard these stories before, from other places. I’m angry because that’s not a perspective I ever intended to have in my life.

I’m angry because my 78-year-old mother doesn’t feel safe anymore. I’m angry that my children don’t feel safe. I’m angry that your children don’t feel safe. I’m angry that we were reminded once and again that none of us are ever, actually safe, that the United States of America is not, in fact, somehow protected from things that happen to the rest of the world. I’m angry because, like so many people, I would prefer to ignore that fact, just not believe it to be true and yet once again we were jolted back into reality.

And I’m angry because I am so angry. I am angry that so many of us have had outrageous  thoughts of violence, thoughts of revenge. I’m angry because we are better than that, and yet we’ve been pushed to it, provoked.

We are better than that. Anger is a powerful emotion. It’s the one that enables us to survive. It’s the emotion that kicks in when we are threatened. It’s the emotion, along with fear, that brings on the adrenaline that will give us the strength to fight for our own lives when physically harmed.

It’s also often the thing that saves us when we are emotionally harmed. It’s what we use to cover our vulnerability when we have been hurt, when the pain of something is so great we can’t bear to look at it, can’t stand to let anyone else see it. Being angry is more socially acceptable than dropping to the ground and weeping in public, so we go with that one, when really what we want to do is weep.

Anger helps us survive. We need to acknowledge it, embrace it, channel it constructively but we also need to very, very careful with it. It’s also what can ultimately kill us. Anger held onto too long makes us weak, it drains us. It makes us make decisions that are not in our best interests, or the best interests of those we love.  Like fire, we must use it wisely. Anger is also war, and revenge and violence.We must not let it overtake us or instead we become those people that we fear. We become those people capable of senseless violence in the name of justice, and then those people win, because they have made us one of them.

We need to feel angry this week but we can’t let it take over. We need to leave room to feel fear. We need to feel our vulnerability. We need to embrace our mortality. We need to allow space for love and compassion. We need to remind ourselves, and our children, that we are not those people we fear, that we are better than that. We deserve better than that. Our children deserve better than that. We need to stop and think before we react. We need to step back and take a look at everything, everything, that has led us as a country to this moment in our history. Just stop for a moment, before we react.

That is our only hope for peace. That is our only hope for security. It doesn’t start with guns, or laws, or revenge. It happens when we each find peace in our own hearts, in our own lives. It happens when we find peace with those around us, in our own families, in our own communities and in our own country. It happens when we value all those people equally! It happens when we pull each other closer, when we love a little harder, when we forgive a little more. It starts with you, and me, right now, one person, one heart, one day at a time.

“In a time of anger or despair, even if we feel
overwhelmed, our love is still there. Our capacity to
communicate, to forgive, to be compassionate is
still there. You have to believe this. We are more
than our anger, we are more than our suffering.
We must recognize that we do have within
us the capacity to love, to understand,
to be compassionate, always.”

       ”Preventing war is much better than protesting against the war. Protesting the war is too late.”

Thich Nhat Hanh, Vietnamese Buddhist Monk

At the same time I was also trying to write a blog that just wasn’t happening. Every word seemed forced. Nothing flowed together. I need to remember, that when this happens it is almost always a sign that this is not the piece I am meant to work on this week, that there is something else I need to say instead. The essays that I write that get the best responses, the ones that have people writing to me telling me how much they needed to hear what I was saying; those are the pieces that are almost no work at all. Those are the pieces that just flow, if I can just be patient and open to what’s happening around me.

So the ladybugs reminded me once again of one of my favorite movies of all time, Under the Tuscan Sun! If you’ve ever experienced a certain amount of unexpected heartbreak in your life, and you’ve seen that movie, then you just nodded your head in agreement. Almost four years ago when I found myself very unexpectedly divorced and living in a tiny apartment in downtown Bangor, that movie and a bottle of wine got me through some rough nights. (Yes, an entire bottle, don’t judge me, they were small bottles)! While sitting here in my little apartment, (in a building which oddly does contain a large number of middle-aged divorced people), the dream of running away to Italy, purchasing a villa, and starting over was just what I needed at the time! Or course the part about the brief love affair with the tall, dark, handsome, young Italian man didn’t hurt either!

The story was, by the way true! It is the memoir of writer Frances Mayes, which only goes to prove my theory that those of us who write personal stories are really on to something because truly you can’t make this shit up. Don’t get me wrong, fiction is wonderful and entertaining and all that. However for me, truth, real stories, our stories, are much more amazing, and damn scary, than any work of fiction we could ever imagine. Which makes sharing them with you, as vulnerable as that makes us sometimes, always worth it!

The lesson in Mayes’ story that stuck with me, however, that I couldn’t seem to shake to write the blog I was going to write, is about the ladybugs. If you have never read the book or watched the movie I’ll fill you in. Frances, the lead character, is at a crossroad in her life. Her marriage is over, her career is stalled, and she’s lonely and looking for love. She is trying so hard to force a life, to make it her way, but she meets with frustration at every corner. Her new eccentric friend Katherine tells her a story. She tells her that when she was a little girl, she used to spend hours chasing ladybugs in a field and never catching them, then one day she stopped chasing them, she relaxed, she fell asleep in the field in the warm sunshine and when she woke up, ladybugs were crawling all over her.

This is the lesson that so many of us have such a hard time learning, and it continues our conversation about learning to let go, about giving up control. We think, we plan, we come up with back up plans and then we expect the whole damn world to cooperate with our plan. You know what, they almost never do. Spouses, children, bosses, friends and lovers never fully cooperate with our plans. It turns out they have plans of their own! Our trying to insist that this is the way life is supposed to be only results in tension and heartbreak for all of us. I’ve learned the hard way that I can’t control everything around me and I don’t need to. I can just let go. I can stop focusing on the “what ifs” and the “if onlys.” I can be open to new, unexpected things. I can be patient and just see what happens. I can wait for the ladybugs.

I needed that reminder lately. The last few months have been more than a little overwhelming. Oh, don’t get me wrong, they have also been wonderful. I have a new job I love and a circle of people in my life that are more amazing than I could have ever dreamed up on my own! Yet, it’s also been a time of great change. Some days I am inpatient, I want to be further ahead than I am, I want to move faster, find out what the ending is and I want it to be the ending I wrote! Why I get that way I don’t know! Experience has shown me over and over again that if I can just wait it out, if I can take it one day at a time, the unexpected experiences are always the most rewarding, the most rich, and the most satisfying.

The ladybugs reminded me this week that I can’t force my future, that things worth having, and people worth knowing, are always, always worth waiting for.

What’s so amusing to me lately is that if someone had told me, back when I was heartbroken, newly divorced and almost without hope, what today would be like, I would have laughed. If someone had shown me my life, the way it is right now, I would have never believed it. I would have never expected the people, the places and opportunities that have come along. It would not have made sense to me at all, but right now, right now it makes perfect sense. Even on the days I’m not all that happy, when things aren’t always going my way, I am at least satisfied, I am at peace. I can be content wherever I have landed.

So this week, the ladybugs and I will be hanging out in the sunshine in my apartment, practicing our patience, waiting for warmer days and appreciating the surprises that life has in store for us. Life, like writing this blog, is so much better when I don’t try to force it, when I just let it flow. By the way, the title of this included some stuff I may not have actually mentioned. Well, I learned a long time ago that if I put something catchy in the title, you’re more likely to keep reading. That doesn’t necessarily mean I lied to you, or that it’s not in here somewhere, if you read between the lines. It just means the ladybugs and I have decided we’ve got to keep some secrets, after all!

What I noticed this morning, however, and I’m not sure how new it is or if it has just now struck me, was that each blog was marked with the word “Blog” after the title. I wondered why this is. Is it a disclaimer of some sort letting the readers know that the paper can’t be held responsible for the quality of what follows?

Maybe, and although I’d like to say that is unfair, it probably isn’t. There are certainly bloggers on sites everywhere that are not worth the time it takes to read them. However, I have a special love for my fellow BDN bloggers, especially my writing partner, Jim LaPierre, and I have to tell you, although most of us are not journalists, we are all worth the time it takes to read us! There are a few, like Emily Burnham, who write professionally by day and blog as well. You can count on her stuff always being awesome. John Holyoke is also a BDN staffer, I think that’s why his spelling is so good! Then there’s Pat Lemieux another full time employee who writes his blog on the side about his experiences as a dad, and again, it always rocks.

Then there are the rest of us. No, we are not journalists and we never claim to be. We are however writers and I will take exception to anyone who says we are not. We are writers because we write. We are writers because we love writing, and because we are passionate about sharing it with people. We are writers because we do what all writers do, write things that our readers connect to in some way. No we do not get paid for writing for the Bangor Daily but that does not make us any less dedicated. It does not make what we do any less valuable than a beautiful piece of art before the artist sells it or an incredible photo that a gifted photographer does not charge you for. Whatever each of us does in our professional lives, we are also, without a doubt, writers!

So the bad news is that does mean that on occasion you may get a blogger who is just learning, just honing their craft. We may not always have perfect verb-subject agreement. Please bear with us. However, the good news is that during the day we all work a variety of jobs in fields other than journalism and that has a huge advantage.  We are professionals and students. We work in communications, or work as therapists, or run local businesses or teach political science or any other number of professions. We all have a variety of experiences to draw on and all of our styles are vastly different and hopefully entertaining.

It also means that we get to write whatever we want! We don’t have to write what is assigned to us by someone else and we don’t have to adhere to popular trends. We can write whatever the f*ck we want! And they don’t censor us. Nope, see how I added that “f*ck?” Nobody cares! Nobody tells me I can’t. This doesn’t just mean we can be naughty if the mood strikes us, it means we can be passionate, we can write about what moves us. We can write about what we love. We can write about what pisses us off! And you, my dear readers, are the ones who benefit from that!

So when you are browsing the BDN website, or any website for that matter, and you notice an article marked like Hester Prynne in “The Scarlett Letter” make sure you click on it, because behind that giant letter “A” is a lot of life experience, a lot of wisdom, and a story well worth reading!

I am proud of the “Blog” designation next to our work. It says we are rebels, we are renegades. We are the cowboys and cowgirls of the Bangor Daily News! We are uncensored, unregulated, we bring in readers because we are fun, entertaining, and insightful and we do it for free. That’s right baby, we’re giving it away, and we’re damn proud of it!

You see, so many of us still try to believe that we are in control, that we can plan our lives and then, if we work hard enough, or want it badly enough, everything will fall into place. We still cling to this belief even after years of experience tells us to expect the unexpected.

I wrote last week in Get A Life, about being powerless over our adult children. Jim LaPierre was so tickled by my admitting my powerlessness he could hardly contain himself. (Yes Jim, you were right, now stop gloating).  In theory, I’ve been willing to accept powerlessness for years, but it has taken a lot for me to be able to actually put it into practice in my life. I am, in fact, quite powerless.

You see I am a planner, an organizer, and a worrier. So that means for most of my life I have had to have an outline, talking points, a plan A, and then three back up plans. Moving forward without all this in place was nearly impossible for me.

And then life happened!

That’s what is going on with my two good friends in the last few weeks. Both had plans for their lives that changed unexpectedly. Both had wishes, dreams, and hopes. One had a vision for this time in his life that consisted of financial security, family harmony and a silver wedding anniversary. It involved planning a comfortable retirement, and plenty of quality time spent with children and grandchildren. Then life took an unexpected turn and the picture in his head and the picture of reality turned out very different. That doesn’t mean that reality is not good, great even on some days, its just not what he expected when he looked ahead.

My other friend has the opposite problem. She planned this time in her life around being single. She planned to spend the next few years concentrating on going back to college and making advancements in her career. She planned to work on herself during this time, to be focused and motivated on her own development, both personally and professionally. Then she very unexpectedly met an amazing woman that she has a real connection with. Does this person now  fit into her plan, and if so, how?

FEAR: Noun. An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

Often, the thing that is holding us back from truly embracing and enjoying our lives is fear.We fear the unknown, we fear the unplanned for. We fear being caught without a plan and a back up plan. We fear it mostly because the unexpected catches us off guard, with our defenses down. We fear being hurt, or being hurt again. We fear admitting we may have been wrong, or that everything we believed in was somehow mistaken. We fear that others will find out how very afraid we actually are.

What we forget is that we are all afraid. We are all terrified of the exact same things. We are all afraid to show our feelings, afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to take chances, afraid not to know what’s going to happen next, or afraid of how it’s all going to turn out in the end.

I try to embrace that fear at this age. I know what it means. I even share my fears and my feelings with all of you every week! If you think that comes easily, if you think I am always comfortable with it, you would be wrong. What I have learned, however, is to tackle my fears head on. What I have learned, not because I always wanted to but because I had to, is how to move through my fear. What I have discovered through this is that there is always, always, something better on the other side of it.

That doesn’t mean we can’t plan. Of course, we have to put the work into our lives. We can’t just sit back and wait for life and opportunity to happen. What we have to remember is to be flexible when it comes to the unexpected. Those unexpected events and people in our lives often turn out to be gifts so wonderful we could not have even conceived of them in our original plan. Sometimes, even the most tragic events in our lives bring unexpected gifts if we are willing to be open, if we are willing to change our plan and our expectations.

If we can admit powerlessness, if we can let go of the need to know the outcome, we may find even the scariest of decisions just a little easier, the burdens just a little lighter. If we can find the courage to just take the next step, without knowing what the step after that will be, we often find ourselves very pleasantly surprised by the results. Very often, something truly significant, something truly important in our lives is just about to happen! Be open to it!

 “And one has to understand that braveness is not the absence of fear but rather the strength to keep on going forward despite the fear.”  Paulo Coelho

Oh there was also goodness in the last week, great things actually! There was some wonderful quality time spent with two of my grown children. There were really great times shared with amazing, true and loyal friends. There was happiness for friends, several actually, who seem to have found someone special in their lives. There were even some amazing moments with a friend whom I’ve grown to really care about in a different way that may or may not ever be anything else, but that I wouldn’t have missed for anything. As in any week, there were moments of joy, and moments of pain. There were moments of deep frustration with my life, and moments of great satisfaction with the way things are going, all in the same week.

So we’ve had some hiccups, but at the end of the week, I still found myself feeling grateful and blessed for the things that did go right, and for the lessons learned with those that didn’t. I have an amazing job, wonderful friends, and a kick ass, awesome family. It’s all good, really.

Remember that folks, never regret opening yourself up to other human beings. Even if in the long run, you end up hurt, because at least for a moment you got to feel something real!  Having your heart-broken is not the worst thing in the world, so never let that hold you back. The worse thing is never letting yourself have a chance to have your heart-broken. The worse thing in the world is to harden your heart, to give up, to be at that place were you decided you will never give anyone a chance to hurt you again. Yeah, that’s the worse place to be. I refuse to go there.

Sometimes, after a week like I’ve had, you are left feeling like your life is in limbo, waiting for something that hasn’t happened yet. Limbo is not really a bad place to be. While troubles and heartache are usually a time for great growth, limbo is a time to heal from that growth, a time to regroup. Limbo is also the place where anything is still possible, where neither bad nor good has happened yet.

So this week there was trouble and aggravation. There was fear, confusion, deep sadness, and even mourning for the loss of a furry member of our family. There was good news and there was bad news. This week, there was also love, and connection, friends and family, joy and laughter. There was even dancing. Thank God for the dancing. I wonder what the next week will bring.

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life . . . it goes on.” Robert Frost 

“My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.” Maya Angelou

I believe in both those things really. I believe our minds are capable of taking in and analyzing a huge amount of information and forming a reaction based on our past experiences, often before we are fully conscious of it. I also believe that there are things that happen in our minds; things we know or feel that we will never have an explanation for. Whether that is some type of an extra sense, I couldn’t say for sure, but I believe it’s possible because I’ve had those experiences.

However, going with your gut also depends on what exactly you are trying to make a decision about.  If you are deciding which shirt to wear for your date tonight, go with your gut. If you are deciding where to invest your money or the best way to file your taxes for this year, ignore your gut and go to an expert. I mean let’s not be all crazy, okay.

What I’m actually talking about, when I say I’m making a decision with my gut, is being able to stop, check in with myself, and make sure I am making a choice that feels right for me. This took a long time to perfect. First, I had to have years of “learning experiences,” you know all those awful decisions we made that turned out wrong! Secondly, I had to take the time to really get to know myself, and to change anything I didn’t actually like about myself. So it was a process that took decades to perfect and is still ongoing.

I’ve discovered that many of those bad decisions I made over the years were decisions I made for other people, not for me. They were things I did to keep other people happy or because I worried what other people thought. They were often decisions made to appease other people’s expectations of me or simply decisions made to keep the peace. Very often, the decisions that turned out badly were not made with my own health and happiness in mind. They were, in fact, often decisions that went against my gut feelings at the time but I chose to ignore my own feelings.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you shouldn’t consider other people’s feelings when making decisions, especially the feelings of people you care about. What I am saying is that you can’t sacrifice your own happiness and mental health just to please other people. You have to weigh both carefully. Don’t compromise yourself or ultimately they won’t be decisions that make anyone happy in the long run.

By now, at 47, I am pretty darn comfortable with who I am. No, that does not mean I think I am perfect, quite the opposite really. I am more than aware of all my flaws. In fact, if you notice one I’ve missed, please point it out (well be kind about it at least okay). You see now my goal is no longer to have the appearance of a good life, like when I was younger, but to actually have a truly good, fulfilling, meaningful life. That type of life comes from the inside out, so I relish the opportunities to learn something new about myself and improve in any way I can!

One of the things I’ve learned in this process is that I make the best decisions if I listen to my own feelings, if I go with my gut. Again, I don’t mean about my retirement plan, for that I hire someone who likes math way more than I do! I am talking about those life choices that often involve the education you choose, the career you choose, the ways you contribute to the world and the people you choose in your life to share all those things with. These are the choices that are directly responsible for the quality of my life. These are the choices that have the ability to fulfill me or drain me of all joy completely.

These may not always be huge decisions. Sometimes they are about a major life change and sometimes they are about a difficult conversation you need to have with a friend. Both are important. First of all, remember you need to give yourself time and space to make these decisions. When we are young we are so inpatient to have our “real” lives begin that we often ignore the time and work needed to know what the right choices are! Sometime we are so paralyzed with fear we avoid making the choice at all, which is in itself a decision.

I’m no longer at that place. At this age, I take the time, and sum up the courage, to make the tough decisions. Now, when faced with a choice, I find some quiet time alone to really get in touch with my own feelings. Then I make the choice in my head and sit with it for a while. Does that decision produce anxiety or peace? If I make the second choice, what am I feeling? If I am feeling extremely anxious about it, why am I? Is it because it’s a big step or because the other choice really feels better? Am I doing the least harm with this choice, NOT only to other people, but to myself as well? Which choice just feels right, deep in my gut? So far, the choices I’ve made that way have consistently come out much better than the choices I made under pressure when I was younger. Even in the end, if the result is not what I had hoped for, I can still find peace knowing that I made the best decision I could, with the knowledge I had, and that I did what truly felt right at the time.

After all, you go to an accountant because they’ve spent years studying to be the best at what they do, but no one has spent more years with you than you have. So when making those really, tough choices, trust the real expert – you!