I know this is unorthodox and it’s not that we don’t all appreciate the gifts you brought last year, but several of my middle-aged lady friends and I were wondering if maybe we could get a little something different this year. You see, we’ve all found ourselves unexpectedly single again and well you seem like such a nice guy. In fact, we’ve never seen Mrs. Claus without a smile on her face! Clearly, your mother raised you right, so we were just wondering; do you have any single brothers?
Yes, we know at your age they are probably divorced and have children of their own, but that’s okay we do too! If they are a little older, well that’s just not the big deal it used to be either, what with pharmaceuticals and all nowadays. A few grey hairs and a couple extra pounds aren’t deal breakers either. We aren’t that picky any more. I mean, none of us are getting any younger ourselves. Santa let’s face it, while young and handsome is great to look at, at this age WE want to be the young pretty one in the relationship, even if its all relative! And thinner, we want to be the thinner one in the relationship too! Keep that in mind! So, someone with a good heart and a jolly laugh will do just fine.
If you don’t have any brothers, a few of the ladies might be interested in some of the elves, the fact that they all have jobs won’t go unappreciated. Although, I personally like to wear heels now and again so I’d rather have someone on the taller side. If it helps, we are all pretty healthy, have most of our teeth and are willing to provide reasonably recent, slightly out of focus pictures of ourselves! And I promise we’ve all been good, well mostly good. Okay, look we are doing our best here!
Remember when all we asked for were new bikes and Easy Bake Ovens? Those were the days. Of course there was also the Barbie Dream House. Frankly, if I still had that one I’d set fire to it in the driveway. Dream House my ass . . . oh, never mind, I got off track there!
Of course, we are well aware that good men are hard to find, so maybe you better not bring any unless you’ve got enough for all of us that is. We don’t mind sharing clothes and chocolate but there are some things we’d just prefer not to pass around. (On second thought, if you’ve only got one, send him my way and I’ll just tell the other ladies you had no luck finding anyone. It will be our secret).
If all else fails you can just put us all down for the usual requests: health, happiness, peace on Earth, yadda yadda yadda. Oh and you better bring wine too!
Thanks and please give our best to Mrs. Claus. Happy Holidays.